The Subjugation Schema
The Subjugation Schema
This questionnaire will measure how strongly you have the subjugation lifetrap. Use the following scale.
Completely untrue of me
Mostly untrue of me
Moderately true of me
Mostly true of me
Describes me perfectly
Questionnaire
Interpreting Your Abandonment Score
10-19 Very low. This lifetrap probably does not apply to you.
20-29 Fairly low. This lifetrap may only apply occasionally.
30-39 Moderate. This lifetrap is an issue in your life.
40-49 High. This is definitely an important lifetrap for you.
50-60 Very high. This is definitely one of your core lifetraps.
The Experience of Subjugation
To a large degree, you experience the world in terms of control issues. Other people in your life always seem to be in control―you feel controlled by the people around you. At the core of your subjugation is the conviction that you must please others, that you must please your parents, brothers, sisters, friends, teachers, lovers, spouses, bosses, coworkers, children, and even strangers. In all likelihood, the only expection to this rule of pleasing people―the only person you do not feel obligated to please―is yourself. It is what the other person wants that comes first.
One common theme in the lives of Carlton and Mary Ellen is the feeling of being trapped in their lives. The feeling of subjugation is oppresive. It is a burden to live life under the weight of that feeling. Constantly meeting the needs of other people is so much responsibility. It is exhausting. Life loses much of its joy and freedom. Subjugation deprives you of your freedom because the choices you make are dictated by their effects on other people. Your focus is not on yourself. Is it not, “What I want and feel,” but rather, “What you want and what I can do to make you happy with me.”
Subjugation robs you of a clear sense of what you want and need―of who you are. Carlton, who was hounded by his father since childhood to go into the family business and who obeyed, knows inside that he does not want to be a businessman, but has no idea of what he does want to be. He has never taken the appropriate steps to find out. You are passive. Life happens to you.
THERAPIST: You feel like all you can get is what other peple deign to give you. You don’t go after what you want.
You feel that you cannot shape the course of events in your life. You feel trapped by circumstances of swept along by fate. Rather than an actor, you are a reactor. You feel there is little you can do to solve your problems. You merely wait and hope that suddenly, miraculously, everything will be better.
You probably think of yourself as the kind of person with whom it is easy to get along. Since you are so agreeable and eager to please, and tend to avert conflict, naturally you get along with others. You see yourself as someone who is willing to accomodate. You even consider this one of your assets: that your are flexible and able to adjust to many types of people. But you have difficulty setting limits on the demands other people make of you. When people ask you to do things that are unreasonable, such as more than your share of the work, you say “yes”. And you find it extremely difficult to ask other people to change their behavior, no matter how much their behavior disturbs you.
Similarly, you might feel proud that you are able to serve others―that you are able to help other people and be attentive to other people’s needs. And you are right. The ability to be there for other people is a strength of self-sacrificing people. You probably have developed exemplary skills in helping others, and may be in one of the helping professions. However, one of your weaknesses is that what you want often gets lost. Too often you are unassertive and silent about your needs.
Your subjugation lowers your self-esteem. You do not feel entitled to the legitimate rights of all people in relationships. Everyone has rights except you.
Two Types of Subjugation
Mary Ellen, on the other hand subjugates herself out of fear. She submits because she is afraid of being punished. This fear is certainly realistic: Dennis is cruel and domineering. However, one wonders what it is about Mary Ellen that caused her to flee from one subjugated relationship with her father into another one with her husband. In her marriage, Mary Ellen reenacts her chilhood subjugation.
Self-Sacrifice
Self-sacrificers feel responsible for the well-being of others. As a child you may have experienced too much responsibility for the physical or emotional welfare of a parent, sister, brother, or of some other close person. For example, you may have had a parent who was chronically ill or depressed. As an adult, you believe it is your responsibility to take care of others. In doing so, you neglect yourself.
Your self-sacrifice is a virtue that has become excessive. Taking care of others has many admirable qualities:
CARLTON: I may be self-sacrificing, but I do a lot of good. All my friends come to me to discusss their problems. When my mother is sick, it’s me she calls. I’m the one who takes her to the doctor, who gets her what she needs. Plus, I volunteer at a men’s homeless shelter. I belong to Greenpeace and Amnesty International. People like me make the world a better place.
You are empathetic; perhaps this is part of your innate temperament. You feel the pain of others and want to ease their pain. You try to fix things, to make everything better.
It is important to note that your subjugation is mostly voluntary. Whoever subjugated you as a child did not force you to do what he or she wanted. Rather, because they were in pain or expecially weak, you felt that their needs took precedence over yours.
Although self-sacrificers are somewhat less angry than other subjugated types, you are bound to have some anger. The give-get ratio is out of balance in your life―you are giving much more than you are getting. Although the people you give to may not be to blame for taking more than they give back, you are almost certain to have some anger, even though you may not acknowledge any resentment.
Your lifetrap gets its strength primarily from the emotion of guilt. You feel guilty whenever you put yourself first. You feel guilty whenever you become angry about having to subjugate yourself. You feel guilty whenever you assert yourself. You feel guilty whenever you fail to alleviate pain. Guilt drives your subjnugation lifetrap.
Whenever you step out of your subjugated role, you feel guilty. Each time you feel guilty, you revert back to self-sacrifice. Largely to relieve guilt, you subjugate yourself with renewed vigor and bury your anger one more time. You are going to have to learn to tolate this guilt in order to change.
Carlton displays this pattern of anger and guilt in his relationship with his wife. He constantly tries to please her, yet, the more he tries, the more she seems to demand. Of course, her demands make him angry. But, whenever Carlton feels angry, he immediately feels guilty and tries to please his wife twice as hard. In this way he alternates between anger at his wife and guilt about his anger.
Submissiveness
Submission is the second form of the Subjugation lifetrap. You submit to the subjugation process involuntarily. Whether you actually have a choice or not, you feel as though you have no choice. As a child, you subjugated yourself in order to avoid punishment or abandonment, probably by a parent. Your parent threatened to hurt you or to withdraw love or attention. There was coercion in the subjugation process. You are almost always angry, even if you do not recognise your anger.
Mary Ellen is the submissive type of subjugator. Throughout her childhood and adolescence, Mary Ellen’s father was strict.
MARY ELLEN: When I left the house, he had to know where I was going. When I got back, he had to know where I’d been. He didn’t let me date until I was seventeen, much later than everyone else. I was not allowed to wear makeup or tight clothes. I wasn’t allowed out on weeknights, and had to be home early on weekends. It was a drag.
THERAPIST: What happened when you disobeyed?
MARY ELLEN: He grounded me, or yelled. Sometimes he hit me. I hated him.
She felt that her house was a prison. Outwardly, she obeyed her father because she was afraid. Inwardly, she was filled with rage.
If you have this type of subjugfation, you have a false belief: you attribute more power to the people who currently subjugate you than they actually have. Whoever subjugates you now―a husband, or parents―in truth has little power over you. You have the power to end your subjugation. There may be exceptions, such as your boss, but even there you have more control than you think. You may have to be willing to leave the person, but, one way or another, your subjugation can end. You do not have to stay with someone who is dominating or abusing you.
At one time, your subjugation really was involuntary: as a child. In relation to the adults who subjugated you, you were dependent and helpless. A child cannot withstand the threat of punishment or abandonment. Your subjugation was adaptive. But as an adult, you are no longer dependent and helpless. As an adult, you have a choice. This is something you must realise before you can begin to change.
The Role of Anger
Although you probably have an easygoing manner, many strong feelings press upon you. Anger in particular builds up from having to surrender your own needs to the needs of others, time after time. When your needs constantly are frustrated, anger is inevitable. You might feel that you are being used or controlled, or that people are taking advantage of you, or you might feel that your needs do not count.
Although you may be chronically angry, you are probably only dimly aware of your anger. You probably would not use the word angry to describe yourself.
“I’ll Never Give In” : The Rebel
Subjugated people are generally most comfortable in a passive role. However, some people with subjugation lifetraps learned to cope through Counterattack. Instead of submitting, they take on the opposite role. They become aggressive and domineering. By rebelling, they overcompensate for their feelings of subjugation.
Subjugation Lifetraps
Whatever relationship you form, you are bound to have anger simmering below the surface. The build-up of anger is something that threatens the stability of subjugated relationships. Early in relationships, you suppress anger and avoid conflict. This helps keep the relationship intact, but it is hard to keep up. After a period of years, your anger may build up to such a point that you rebel, completely upsetting the balance of the relationship, or you may withdraw or retaliate. Often there are sexual difficulties. In addition, as the years pass, you may grow and develop a stronger sense of identity. If you become more assertive and no longer willing to stay in a subjugated relationship, your relationship must either change to adapt to your greater maturity or it must end.
Work
Subjugated people often work in one of the helping professions, particularly if they are self-sacrificing. You may be a doctor, nurse, homemaker, teacher, minister, therapist, or other kind of healer. It is natural that you would gravitate toward a career of service to others; the Subjugation lifetrap takes a lot away from you, but one of it’s gifts is acute sensitivity to the needs and pain of others. In all likelihood, you are in a profession that exploits your ability to be there for others.
Although you probably shun the limelight, it is possible that you are the right hand of a more powerful person to whom you are devoted and who finds you very useful. In many ways, you are just the type of person a boss wants to hire. You are obedient, loyal, and demand little. It is probably a rare event for you to ask for a raise. You try hard to please everyone, expecially your superiors, and you have trouble setting limits on the amount of sacrifice you will make.
Changing your Subjugation Lifetrap
Do not rationalise your tendency to please others so much. Stop telling yourself that it doesn’t really matter.