Mindfulness: Self Touch

This explains how to practice Mindful masturbation or Self Touch. If there is anything you do not understand or if you have any questions that arise from the practise note them down to discuss with me when we next meet.

Introduction

Mindful Sex is a branch of Mind – Body awareness centred around sexuality, intimacy, and pleasure. Basic concept is simple. Instead of using just your breath or a mantra as a focal point like during mindful exercises like meditation and body scanning- you also concentrate on pleasurable experiences that ground you in your body. The practice of mindful sex helps you slow down, pause and be in the present moment. It helps you develop a prospective that is open, curious, and non-judgemental, so to give yourself permission to be in your body and experience pleasure.

Mindful masturbation / Self Touch is a simple yet powerful practice. It requires dedication and becomes its own reward. Each of us has an inventory of sexual experiences, both fictional and real, that we can draw on while masturbating to get us to the next level – fantasy plays part – studies have shown fantasies include with co-workers-friends and strangers.

Just pay full attention while you masturbate. Do not let yourself get distracted by imagination. Keep your primary focus on yourself, your own body, your genitals, and your own sensations. This is about sexual self- discovery, self-acceptance, and sex positive practice.

We do not generally think of masturbation to better yourself, so this will take a bit of mind shift. It can have sex better by broadening your horizons. When masturbation becomes so formulaic that we are depending on certain habits and techniques every time – it neurologically wires our body and arousal in a limited and rigid way. Some of the benefits to practicing masturbation like this are that you will:

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become more connected with your penis,

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stay present and focused during sex

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be more in tune with your partner

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be more in your body and less in your head during sex so it will flow more naturally

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stay erect more easily (and be less fussed if your erection rises and falls),

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last longer if you come quickly

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come faster if you take too long.

IMPORTANT

This is not a goal orientated practice- there is no right and wrong way. This means that you are not racing to the finish line and your orgasm is not the primary goal. Instead use the time to explore different approaches. Avoid setting any goal other than the intent of explore, discover, observe, accept, and let go. There are no rules as such but some of the suggestions may give structured guidance when you begin.

Create an intention each time you practice

The combination of placement of attention and the focus of an intention are fundamental pieces for creating mindfulness practice. Example intentions might be ‘I am fully present to sensations in my body’ or ‘I welcome all parts of myself, including my sexual, generative energy’ or ‘My practice is about noticing my sensations, feelings and thoughts, while remaining goalless’.

Set a timer for an amount of time that is realistic for you

This may be five minutes. Ideally, your practice might be somewhere between 20 and 45 minutes but start with five if that is all you have got.

Find a location and environment that is conducive to you feeling pleasure and relaxation

This may be difficult if you have a hard time finding ‘alone time’ in your home or schedule. Even five minutes in the shower can work.
You need to make time and space and move away from the computer (or another device). Be somewhere comfortable, such as sitting in an armchair or reclining on a pile of pillows on your bed, and make sure it is a chilled environment, maybe play some music.

Commit to practising over a period to reap greater benefit

Like any mindfulness practice or meditation, the benefits are cumulative and have a greater impact the longer you practise.
You can start small, with three 20-minute practices a week for two weeks and build your commitment from there

Mix up your practice each time so that it does not become habitual or mundane

Part of what keeps our interest and awareness is variety and paying attention to that variety.
When we form habits, we start to know what to expect, making it easier for us to go on autopilot and check out. Use your breath, sound, touch, and movement to create a different practice each time. Sometimes you may be lying down, others standing and others dancing, or all the above. Sometimes, breathe fast, other times slow and deep. Experiment with sound – moans, grunts, screams ‘dirty talk’ or affirmations.
If you always touch yourself the same way, try new types of touch in new places on your body. Engage your curiosity to help you practice remain mindful and fun.

Savour your practice

· A key aspect of this practice is savouring. Take time to feel your body after the practice; to deeply feel the sensations you have created – pleasure, relaxation, arousal etc.
· Use the last five to ten minutes of your practice (or one minute if you are doing a five minute practice) to lie, sit or stand in stillness and just breath deep and savour what you’ve created in your body.
· Notice what is different in your body or mind from when you started the practice. It is very common for this practice to start as a ‘doing’ and to end in ‘being’.
· Recall your intention for your practice. Do not beat yourself up if you did not follow your intention or if you got distracted a lot. Simply recalling it creates the opportunity for you to place your attention on your intention once again.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself.

Like other mindful practices, this can be difficult. You may be flooded with thoughts, distractions, and resistance. Just notice that and keep coming back to the practice and not perfection. And remember to create pleasure during your practice.

To begin the practice:

Do some belly breathing for a few minutes, nice and slow, to get yourself relaxed. Then do a body scan, where you bring your focus to all the parts of your body, from toes through to tips of your fingers and top of your head, noticing where there’s tension and consciously relaxing those parts.

When it feels right, take hold of your penis, and bring your attention to it. Breathe into your penis and really connect with it, feeling that you and it are a team. Start moving in a pleasurable way, no rush. Pay attention to everything-

How does your skin feel?
What temperatures, textures and sensations do you experience?

Then as you play with yourself do the following (this can be over many sessions, not necessarily all at once):

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Notice how aroused you are on a scale of 1-10.

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Practice raising and lowering your level of arousal, with hand motion, pace and rhythm and your thoughts.

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See if you can hang around the 7-9 level, as though you are swimming in the pleasure.

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When you find yourself getting excited, notice how your energy rises in your body and practice lowering it by belly breathing.

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Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles at various levels of arousal and see if you can get a sense of drawing the sexual energy inwards, so that the pleasure stays in the body rather than being drawn outward.

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Imagine you are breathing your sexual energy up your spine, over the top of your head and down your front. Practice doing this closer and closer to the point of orgasm, seeing if you can feel orgasmic sensation without ejaculation.

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Once you do ejaculate (and you do not have to) continue to have a sense of drawing the energy in and allowing the pleasure to suffuse your whole body. Stay there for a little while, enjoying the sensation, continuing to breathe.

Please note:

As we are working with recovery from addiction, I would like to suggest some boundaries. No porn. Focus on your body and what that brings up. Try not to focus on any thoughts if they are there just notice that.

I recommend for the initial sessions not to touch your genitals. This practice will show the difference between regular goal orientated sexual touch verses the exploratory, non-demanding sensual touch of mindful sex – by taking the pressure of getting off out of the equation – you learn to separate sensations of arousal from anxiety-inducing expectations and thoughts. It is about you and your relationship to pleasure alone.